Her breathing has become shallow and each breath is labored.  We watch and pray and cry.  For several years we have watched the decline and we have worried about this day and now it is here.  Every hour finds one of us walking into the bedroom and silently watching over her.

Yesterday several of her friends came over to say their good-byes.  She is unaware on so many levels and (we are all hoping) so aware on the most important level of all.  We all hope that our love is able to penetrate the fog that has enveloped her consciousness.  There are tears to be shared all around and then hugs and just all the love that develops when a group of people have decided to call each other ‘family’.

We know that it has been over a year now that she forgot the boys, her deepest memories…all gone now.  It has been even longer than that since she could remember who I was but then, I am the newbie, I have only been in the family for 22 years.  I am OK with that, it has given me the distance to be able to help him watch his mother decline without being an emotional mess myself.

The grandkids all know and they are making visits as they can.  The great-grandkids never had much chance to get to know her like everyone else did.  By the time most of them were born she was already a stranger.  That part makes me sad for the kids.  They will only have our memories to go by now.  Pictures will be important to some and not so important to others.

We, my husband and I, have been crying each day for two weeks now.  We are not done crying yet.  Once we are done with our own tears there will be tears for the rest of the family and the friends who have meant so much to us (and her) in the last year who will all grieve like she was their grandmother too.  We will hug them and smile with them and carry a big box of tissue to help wipe away the tears.

I write today to take the place of some of the tears.  I face my own fears and shortcomings as a daughter-in-law now at the end of her life.  I sit and reflect on our years together and I laugh out loud at some of the arguments and jokes we shared.  I let the tears roll gently down my cheeks as I come to terms with her end here and her new beginning “over there”. 

Our buddy came in last night with his family to sing her some songs to help ease her spirit and to let her know that we are all OK and that she could leave anytime she was ready…not that we are rushing her…everyone just hates to see her hurting.  I stood there crying, listening to the soft beat of the drum and the soothing sound of his voice.  I know that she heard him too.

My husband asked me months ago if the Alzheimer’s  would kill her.  I told him ‘No. her body would give out long before the disease had time to run it’s course’.  That is what we see now…her little body getting tired of fighting.  That is the part we cannot help her with.  All our coaxing and all our prayers cannot give her more strength if she is too tired to fight anymore.  All we can do now is watch her go peacefully with our love to ferry her on.