I am lost.  I wasn’t before.  Before I knew exactly where I was.  I wasn’t happy, haven’t been happy for a couple of years.  I was consoling myself with dreams and it just isn’t working for me anymore.

Let me explain.  I hate my job.  It was fun for awhile but it has been 16 years…it’s not fun anymore.  I have time in that earns me 6 weeks of vacation a year but I can’t use it.  When you run in a department that is one person deep, there is no one who can take your place if you take time off.  People used to help me, but now everyone knows that I do a lot, much more than they believed, so now no one really wants to cover my caseload.  I will finish this year like so many others…with time I cannot use and don’t get paid for.

I wrote a resume.  I haven’t had to do that for a long, long time.  Thank God for my daughters, who sent me copies of theirs.  I had good examples to follow. The resume has changed a good bit since the last time I used one.  Now I get to decided how to “get myself out there”.  Lost.

I have been dealing with depression, anger, loneliness.  I try to keep my head up.  I try to keep the bitterness out of my voice when I speak to people in the company, but it’s hard.  I don’t mean to sound hateful.  I just don’t think this is the job I want to do anymore.

In a month, will I change my mind?  I don’t know.  I really don’t know.  My formal education is not so impressive, to people who just read resumes.  I am old now.  I worry about changing but not improving.  I don’t like this feeling.

I am working now, on me…again.  I will sit back and look in the mirror.  I will see if I like what I  see or not.  I will change what I need to change so that I like what I see when the mirror looks back at me.  It’s all I know to do.  No one can fix this but me.  No one can decide if I am lost or not but me.