Tag Archives: Native American Woman

Contemplation, getting in shape, journaling, Life, lifecoaching, Me, Native American Women

Arguments with the Crazy Lady

The alarm went off at 7am.  That’s not too early for many people but for the crazy lady, it was way too early.  I lay in bed and my body is begging me to get up and get moving but the crazy lady in my head wants to know what the hell is going on.  Twenty minutes, we argued for twenty minutes.

Finally, I rolled out of bed and got onto the elliptical.  That’s when the arguing finally stopped but only because, thanks to many mornings of marching 3 miles in the cold and the dark-thank you Air Force training, I learned to walk in my sleep.  My body was happy because we were finally accomplishing the number one goal of the month and the crazy lady was happy because she went back to sleep.

I will have to use the machine for many days.  My driving schedule gets me out the door not too long after the sun has risen and I don’t get home until after it is dark or very near to dark.  This is the Hoosier National Forest.  There are big cats, wolves, coyotes, vampires, Sasquatch and the like in these woods, I’m no fool.  Not to mention, it’s freaking cold outside now.  Turns out, I like walking in my shorts and tank top when it’s 18 degrees outside.

Twenty minutes into the workout my husband was out of bed and rounded the corner of the living room to look at me with raised eyebrows.  I said “good morning” and he smiled and walked into the kitchen to start the coffee brewing.  He returned a few minutes later and  asked me if I wanted some lights.  As he was reaching for a lamplight, I told him no.  He just shrugged and walked back into the kitchen.

Five times the sun has risen since that first argument.  Three days of the five, we had a big difference of opinion as to what was supposed to be happening at 7am.  But I did it.  I got up every morning and did my exercise.  I cannot honestly say that I have lost any weight, it’s only been five days, but I can say that maybe, just maybe, I am becoming a morning person.

I will not be able to skip a day in my routine.  I am wired to quit and say ” later, I can do this later”.  I am trying to change my inner dialog, trying to become a morning person.  I find that starting my day with a brisk 30 minute walk has helped my mentality.  I do more, think faster, engage easier.  I still need my coffee but I can talk before I take the first sip…talk and make sense.  That’s new.  I work all day, get my reports done after dinner, meditate in the mornings, journal as I need to.  This might actually be working for me.

I think that the crazy lady will always object, she is definitely a night owl.  We don’t argue at night, about bed time.  I am usually up until midnight or later.  I think, for now, I will pick my battles carefully and not complain too much about needing to get to bed earlier.

My alarm is set.  My projects are lined up for completion.  My business is getting pushed into the front of my “to-do” list.  I will get up a little earlier than I used to and get on the elliptical machine and walk for a while.

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Contemplation, journaling, Life, lifecoaching, Me, Native American Women, Uncategorized

Lost

I am lost.  I wasn’t before.  Before I knew exactly where I was.  I wasn’t happy, haven’t been happy for a couple of years.  I was consoling myself with dreams and it just isn’t working for me anymore.

Let me explain.  I hate my job.  It was fun for awhile but it has been 16 years…it’s not fun anymore.  I have time in that earns me 6 weeks of vacation a year but I can’t use it.  When you run in a department that is one person deep, there is no one who can take your place if you take time off.  People used to help me, but now everyone knows that I do a lot, much more than they believed, so now no one really wants to cover my caseload.  I will finish this year like so many others…with time I cannot use and don’t get paid for.

I wrote a resume.  I haven’t had to do that for a long, long time.  Thank God for my daughters, who sent me copies of theirs.  I had good examples to follow. The resume has changed a good bit since the last time I used one.  Now I get to decided how to “get myself out there”.  Lost.

I have been dealing with depression, anger, loneliness.  I try to keep my head up.  I try to keep the bitterness out of my voice when I speak to people in the company, but it’s hard.  I don’t mean to sound hateful.  I just don’t think this is the job I want to do anymore.

In a month, will I change my mind?  I don’t know.  I really don’t know.  My formal education is not so impressive, to people who just read resumes.  I am old now.  I worry about changing but not improving.  I don’t like this feeling.

I am working now, on me…again.  I will sit back and look in the mirror.  I will see if I like what I  see or not.  I will change what I need to change so that I like what I see when the mirror looks back at me.  It’s all I know to do.  No one can fix this but me.  No one can decide if I am lost or not but me.

 

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Contemplation, Life, Native American Women

Now that history is to repeat itself….

It’s been a very upsetting month.  I have been paying attention to Facebook closely for news happening in North Dakota and what is happening with the Standing Rock Nation of Souix people and their supporters.  I find it sad that I have to look to Facebook for the news that is not being reported on any of the national stations.  

I remember, as a teenager, being told that I would never see any news of what happens to the Native Peoples of this country because the government had decided that they would control what was reported and what wasn’t when it comes to Native Americans.  Back then it was Wounded Knee.  Do you remember where you were when that event started?

Now an oil company is  working very hard to plow through  Native burial lands and sacred sights (again) so that they can put in another  pipe line.  I saw a 30 second blip on the news once.  I read yesterday that the government is now air dropping mustard gas on the Native (and many non-native) people who are there to protest this action.  No media coverage by the news stations around here.  How about where you are?  Seems to me that the US government dropping chemical weapons on it’s own citizens would be news worthy.

I’ve read several posts from a few friends who actually made the trek out to North Dakota to see for themselves and to support the protest.  What I read is all about unity and non-violence.  I see now that several young friends have made that same journey.  I pray that they get to be part of the biggest peaceful protest of their lives and that someday they can tell their own grandchildren what peaceful people can accomplish.

I pray that the land wll stay intact and the water the Standing Rock people are trying to protect stays clean.  You and I need to pray this happens since we are going to be the people who benefit from the warriors who stand in peaceful protest to keep the water clean.  I pray that all of the people who stand with Standing Rock get to return home unharmed.  I pray for the men and women who have been ordered to this place and ordered to cause harm to peaceful protestors.   I suspect this is not what they signed up for.  If there is a bad side, a domestic terrorist side, it would be the oil company who thinks that poisoning the water that we are drink is acceptable to any of us just for more money in their pockets.

History repeating itself for Native American peoples has not been historically favorable.  I stay positive, reminding myself that a victory for Standing Rock is a victory for all of us, no matter where we live.

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Old lady musings

I love new adventures.  I have been having them all my life.  I learn about something new, I like it, I study it.  So far, I have not mastered too many things but that is ok with me.  I enjoy the learning process. I  cannot tell you what will catch my eye tomorrow but today, I am happily learning about essential oils.  

I have known that they existed and I knew that some people used them but that was about it.  I knew massage therapist used them to a small degree.  Then, I got old.

I see my doctor every year for that dreaded annual physical.  I think I am doing pretty good for a maturing woman but my doctor tells me otherwise.  Each year there is something new that is wrong with me. I find this to be depressing.  I think, “what the hell…why even try?”.  I know that is not a good attitude to have but I  have never been this old before.  I didn’t think it was going to be so stressful.

Then one day my girlfriend invites me to her essential oil class.  I accept, she is my girlfriend and I want to help her have a successful class.  I smell all the oils as the bottles are handed around the room.  I listen to the instructor as she tells us all about what some of these oils are good for and how we can feel better and be better by just using them ourselves.  Then I remember the annual physical.  I start wondering if there is really hope for me.

I bought the book.  It really is a great book.  It is simple to understand and the layout is superb. The photos are really good.  I start to study a little bit and talk to my girlfriend about what oils I think will help me be a healthier person.  Now what?

So I signed up with that company.  I understand that there are several essential oil companies out there to choose from but none of my girlfriends invited me to go and learn about those companies’oils.  So, here I am.  I now own about forty different oils.  I use ten of them everyday, just on me.  I use another five or six for my husband.  I will learn which ones are best for my dogs soon.

I joke that I smell like a hippy.  My house smells like hippies live here.  That means that you can smell the oils everywhere. But we do bathe everyday, unlike some of the hippies I actually know.  I carry small bottles of oils in my purse, he carries small bottles in his vehicle.  He is learning, probably not by choice, about which oils he uses, as well.

I even got my herb lady to sign up with this same company.  She is also a massage therapist so she uses many essential oils but she is always looking for the best effective naturals she can find and it turns out, she really likes the purity of these oils.  So now we have more to sit and talk about.

I have been using these oils for about six months.  Now I start to get serious.  Here is my reasoning: I am old.  Therefore, my body does not regenerate nearly as fast or as completely as I did twenty years ago.  It doesn’t matter which oils I use, my body will use them but not as effectively as it could have when I was younger.  Consequently, I start using one of the proprietary blends to actually help my bodys’ cells regenerate faster and more completely.

My true purpose is, of course, to live forever but why live forever in a broken body?  Let me continue to learn my craft, let me continue to have new adventures, and let me do it all on my terms.

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Contemplation, Life, Me, Native American Women, Nature

Mko Winter Wonders

Winter finally came by.  She is walking sometimes softly and sometimes with a little anger.  She is singing quietly today but there have been days when her song was more a wolf’s howl.  I sit inside on those days, not even daring to move the curtains aside.  Those are the days that I am really feeling the bear inside.  Those are the days when napping doe not come with guilt.

I wonder about the bear often during the silent days when snow muffles all the rumblings of the day.  I put on my coat, scarf and gloves and shovel the patio clean.  I stomp around in the drifts and mounds that I have created and my feet stay dry in boots laced tight.  I think about all the animals living in the snow without boots.  I wonder if their feet/hoofs/paws are cold?

There was a time when walking along the country road and enjoying the beauty was a big priority for me.  Those days are not long gone, yet…but a little gone.  My concession, I suppose, to living past the half century mark.  I would have my camera in hand working hard to keep some record of the beauty I was privileged to witness.  But I have to tell you, during the warmer months when I look at those pictures I do not remember the cold so some of the magic is lost.  Maybe that is the real truth of two dimensions.

I wonder too, does the bear think about me?  Does she dream of me during the winter while she sleeps the shortened days away?  Does she hope that I am taking good care of myself as I do not have the luxury of a den?  Are there times when she thinks that we might be connected?  Native teachings will tell me that she does and I am happy with that knowledge, I hope she is as well.

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Contemplation, death, Family, Life, Me, Native American Women

Rock and Roll Payday Memories

I spent the day on the road. Total miles logged was 230. When you spend that much time alone you have a tendency to think about things that normally you do have time to think about. Today I spent my time thinking about my parents. There are just certain things that trigger memories and then when I am driving I have time to let those thoughts keep running.

My mother died 3 years ago. Her passing was not easy. She was ill and she had suffered a heart attack. She lingered for two weeks in a hospital that was far from her home. She was not alone, one of her daughters and her husband were there with her. My father died several years prior to her passing. His passing was not easy. He suffered complications of diabetes after a surgery. He was not alone, two of his daughters, his sisters and several of his nieces and nephews were there when he passed.

I think of this and I am glad to have been an intimate part of that passing. I wish that I had been able to be there for my mother as well but I am glad that the same sister who stood with me while my father passed, stood by my mothers’ side as well. I can think of no greater expression of love than to be present at the passing of a loved one. To hold that hand and to say “I love you” or “thank you” or whatever is on your mind to say at that last moment.

The first thing I do is to plug in the ipod and cue up Janis Joplin. I play the entire uploaded album as loud as my factory installed speakers will allow while singing along with Janis and I smile because she was one of my mother’s favorite musicians. The I look for a convenience store, any one will do as long as they sell Payday candy bars. I buy the biggest one I can find and I eat the whole candy bar, savoring every bite and I smile because this was my dad’s favorite candy bar.

While I complete these little rituals I have established for myself I wonder about my parents. I wonder where they are? I wonder what important works they are working on these days? I wonder which of their heathen children they are watching closely today?

I hear so many people lament over the loss of a loved one that spend so much of their lives espousing their belief in a Creator and an afterlife that promises to be so much better than this life we live on this world but when push comes to shove…what they actually believe is far from what they have espoused. The absolute lack of faith explains so much to me.

For me, blaring Janis Joplin and wolfing down a Payday candy bar are the traditions that I hope I am passing down to my own daughter who someday will face these things. Someday she will think of me. I trust that she will just play the music she knows I love and eat a candy bar that was my favorite and smiles knowing that my new adventure has begun. I hope she wonders what I am up to and I trust she knows that I am having a blast.

She will then take everything that I have given her and pass those things on to her daughter and that makes me so happy. I know deep in my heart that my parents are happy about this as well, whatever they are doing today.

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My Little Christmas Miracle

There are no presents under my Christmas tree.  Is it wrong that I don’t feel bad about that?  My children are all grown and they are busy making babies of their own. Their Christmas trees have piles of gifts festivally wrapped and labeled.

Instead of heading out to the crazy malls and instead of sharing all my personal information with the world via online shoppings for each and every child and grandchild I opted for a family gift for each family. I should clarify, each family with children.  I do have one child that has yet to start her family and she is getting a nice Christmas card with lots of hugs and kisses enclosed.

I was two weeks late putting up my tree and up until 10pm that night I wasn’t so sure that I would bother with it at all.  I have yet to get the outside lights from the box in the garage that normally flicker deep into the night.

Oh, I could blame work, I could blame a desperate personal financial crisis but I won’t.  When I was 18 my little sisters sat me down one day and told me that they did not need me anymore.  They thanked me for raising them and teaching them the things big sisters are supposed to.  Apparently, I had done my job and now my job was done.  I sat in shock for several minutes, I cried for several more (unseen by my little sisters), I began a prayer that I have yet to finish…a thankful prayer.  Not by choice was I the big sister of six siblings but it was my position and I did my best.  Now it was finally my time.  Now I could begin and end a day without the burden of taking care of all those siblings.

This is where I am again.  I love Christmas, the lights, the traditional tv shows, the presents, the foods, the giving and the getting.  It just dawned on me this year that my children don’t need me anymore to create that Christmas magic for them…they are busy creating Christmas magic for their own.  For a minute I was in shock and for a minute more I cried, and now I continue the prayer I started all those years ago…that same prayer of thanksgiving.  I am thankful that my children are happy and doing for their own children what I tried to do for them for so many years.

This year I am working on creating a new Christmas magic that is not so stressful and not so expensive.

This year the lights on the tree are for me.

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Contemplation, Life, Me, Native American Women

I got this…..

When we were young we did crazy things. We tried new things. Sometimes we were really excited about what we were up to and sometimes we were just a bundle of nerves hoping the outcome was just a little bit successful.

I say these things because I am here again, although not nearly as young as I would like to be. Mostly I am excited but my nerves are starting to vibrate.

I can honestly say that I make my own decisions and I know this so I know that whatever comes of my choices now are of my own doing. I cannot help but hope that this does not turn out like my first meatloaf, as small as a pound of butter but weighed as much as a brick of gold…it was so bad we could not eat it and in those days we ate anything. Of course, I was not alone in that creation nor was I a cook and I am happy to say that over the years I have improved my cooking skills and these days my meatloaf is quite tasty.

The toughest choice I have ever had to make in my life I made in fear. Years later, looking back at the course of my life, if asked, I can answer that my only regret being that I did not give myself enough credit. I was stronger than I thought at that time but I was young. Had I chosen the other road, I would have been just fine. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that.

I have been working on this manifestation stuff, like most people I know, needing more money than I have. Out of the blue my caseload doubles. Well, the opportunity was presented to me, excited and scared I said yes. As the poster child for the Procrastinators of America there is potential here for some real disaster. As a master manifestor-in-training…this will be interesting to say the least as I am sure that my paperwork did not just double, I think it quadrupled.

I just need to remember now that I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that having taken this particular road, I will be fine…I got this!

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Contemplation, Me, Native American Women

My Great Golfing Adventure…Not!

Overall I have to say that I am happy with me. I have done things that I wanted to do. I have tried things that scared me and survived to tell the tales of my adventures. There are things that I would still like to try and lessons yet to be learned. I have declined some adventures because some lessons can be learned from watching others. Whether they fail or succeed I can learn just fine from here, thank you very much.

But there is one adventure I have yet to take and somebody is going to have to explain the draw to me. I mean, I feel it, I really do. There is something peaceful in the watching and I do like that but there is something else and I cannot explain it, yet. I do feel, however, that this is an adventure that I cannot take alone. I can see that it is possible to walk those links alone but you never see a lone person whacking away at that little ball. At least I never see a lone person whacking away at a little ball.

There are men and women who participate, there are all colors of people who love this game, age does not seem to be an issue so I am confident that I would not be out of place. But when? Who? Where? I am getting impatient waiting on someone to take me golfing. I have my own clubs thanks to a dear friend who decided that his career of walking the greens was over. He said, “we are about the same height so these will work for you just fine”. He was right, the clubs fit me perfectly. My golf bag is not fancy, not pink, not new, but it is functional. My son-in-law, excited that I wanted to learn bought me all kinds of tees and yes, pink balls. I have a glove that fits my hand. I even have a girlfriend who has volunteered to drive the cart around, as she has no desire to actually golf she just wants to be part of the adventure.

Three summers have come and gone and still those clubs sit in my closet. I am getting discouraged. Am I wrong? Should I go alone? Is it socially acceptable for a lone person who has no clue to show up at some community course and “just do it”? I’m not feeling that. I think I am supposed to be part of a group, at the very least, of a twosome.

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Contemplation, Life, Me, Native American Women

Skeins of Life

I wish that crocheting really was relaxing. I sit down with a skein of yarn and I dream of big things…pretty things…useful things. Truth be told, I know one stitch. The “granny square”. It’s a cool stitch to be sure but there are times when I would like to crochet a different pattern.

Rather than lament about my inability I will be glad that I can work that granny square into some pretty awesome afghans given all the modern colors they can do yarn in these days.

I listen to other women talk about how relaxing it is to sit and crochet. It is not so for me. I don’t know why but I attack the yarn, crochet hook in hand, with that same attitude I attack most projects I get involved in….keep going until it is done. My shoulders are a bunched mess of muscle, my fingers ache from holding the crochet hook in one hand that the yarn in the other. My eyes burn from keeping careful watch on the number of stitches I am whipping up as I go.

I took up some old broken tile that needs to be replaced to day, I walked two miles, I cooked three meals, I folded some canvas tarps that needed to be folded (those suckers are heavy) and I did dishes that equaled the cooking I did. After all of these chores were done I could finally sit down and had a chance to relax….but nooOOOooo.

Why do I crochet then? Good question. I like the yarn. I feel the challenge calling after I have taken a skein and rolled it into a ball. Giant-ass ball of yarn staring at me, daring me to make it into something.

I think all of my kids have afghans now, probably most of my grandkids and both of my dogs. I don’t know who needs this afghan but it will be here when the new owner walks into my house. I will feel good when it is done. I will know that I met the challenge thrown out to me. I will have used my talents to the best of my ability…limited as they are. It’s a granny thing, I hear……the making of afghans.

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