Family, Life, Me

Surviving America

Ok, so I survived another holiday weekend. Oh I know that technically the holiday happened during the week but it was close enough that many people tacked on the weekend as well. There were numerous office populated with the dreaded skeleton crew. Some of us who ended up working while others were off playing. Yes, I was one of those who worked on Friday…but it was nice so I did not mind. On the plus side there were not nearly as many emails as I normally would have to read during the weekend.

I accidently started a family tradition years ago and now the 4th of July is my daughters very favorite holiday. I always found this highly unlikely because I do not know ANY kid who picks July over Christmas but I have come to accept over the years that she really does like the 4th of July more than Christmas!

When my baby was young I started taking her to fireworks displays in town, the big ones. We had two big displays in Fort Wayne each year. The first was at the traditional end of the Three Rivers Festival and, of course, the 4th of July show. She named each of the fireworks big booms by the sounds that accompanied the flashes. I was not a fan of the backyard do-it-yourself shows put on by the dads and granddads. Oh not that they were not fun for the kids (and yes, that is supposed to be the target audience) but it was not so much fun for me.

These shows became such a thrill for my daughter that even after her father and I were no longer married she still insisted on going and by then it had become his tradition as well. I liked that for her. Some years we would meet up during the show and some years it was my turn to take her. She was just happy to be out and looking up into the night sky those hot summer nights.

Over the years I have found myself sitting on some grassy knoll waiting for the sun to set and the show to begin. I have noticed that, over all, the fireworks have not changed so much. Probably safer for the pyro techs and computers have made some of the shows interesting with music blaring along with each big bang but essentially, they are unchanged and I think that this is one of things I like the best.

These days I am heading out to find “my spot” alone. My husband does not find the excitement that I find in a good old firework show. But I am never lonely. I chat with my camped out neighbors and we share snacks and drinks from time to time. I meet new people who have also found what a nice spot we have all discovered. There are always the new people in town who did not realize that our little town offers such a great show.

This year I sat with my girlfriend and her son as well as several other friends. She is an Ojibwa woman. We were quite the sight, two full-blooded Native women sitting in the grass in our camping chairs eating snacks and drinking pop waiting on a celebration we aren’t so sure about but we like the fireworks. We laugh at the irony and we clap at the really cool displays. Her son heads out to scout the crowd and see who is around, not that he knows anyone, he is one of those guys who finds a new friend everywhere he goes. He comes back exited that he found a Di’ne woman sitting on the hill. We are three now. Native women who sit in the crowd celebrating the birth of America, who would have thought?

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getting in shape, Life, Me

Got It!…Muscle Confusion

OK, so now I get it.  I listened to the workout guru try to explain how beneficial muscle confusion is to my body.  I wonder every now and then if it really works.  I wonder also if runners use this technique to help in their own training. 

Last week I started (or restarted) my own training to be a runner (once again).  I started the week walking about 4.5 miles in two days and then incorporated some running-finishing out the week with a total of 9 miles under my belt.  My muscles….totally confused.  At first there was much yelling and screaming and out right refusing to move then by day four all my muscles were beginning to get with the program.  I had even started developing a real “like” of getting out there and walking.  A “like” of how the gravel felt as it crunched under my foot each time I advanced as I ran.  My body was beginning to remember how it felt to move fluidly.

Then Friday came and I didn’t even get home from my busy day until dark.  I do not run in the forest after dark (monsters) so I decided that it was a good day to rest.  I woke up Saturday morning still feeling “OK”.  I don’t know about you but summer weekends for me are action packed and it was Sunday night and I was still not home from busyness. 

My muscles were confused again.

It is now Monday night.  I have sent several reports to the “powers-that-be” and I have eaten my dinner and even had some dessert but it is dark again.  I am starting to feel a little guilty about not running.  I have read from expert runners that this feeling of guilt is quite normal and I actually feel good about that.

Tomorrow I do not have to be on the road so I will start again.  Tomorrow I have so much work to do but I will start again.  Tomorrow my muscles will again be confused about what the hell I am expecting them to do.  I am hoping that this will not become the normal pattern, four days of working out and then four days of not working out.  No matter how confused, I think my muscles will just stay in revolt and this is not my goal.  It is hard enough to think about trying to keep my feet moving for thirteen miles, hard enough to keep that mental picture of me succeeding getting up those killer hills, hard enough to fight those nicotine cravings without fighting my muscles who don’t like being quite so confused each week.

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getting in shape, Me

One small step?

OK, I did it.  I ran.  I didn’t die…I’m happy about that.  It started this morning.  My dog decided not to hear me calling his name so I ran across the backyard barefoot to intercept him before he was so far gone I would have to jump into the van and drive to the neighbors to retrieve him….again.  My legs felt good and I wasn’t too winded.

After a full day of driving and meetings and some paperwork as I let the sun be overtaken by some clouds and it was cool enough to breath before I gave it a go.  I have been walking.  My running route is 4 miles in total but I haven’t even walked that distance yet.  I did make it 3 miles walking one day.  I suppose I am being a bit overconfident but I figure I have to try sometime, huh?

Still working on the quitting smoking part.  I decided to stop smoking about 20 minutes before I leave and wait at least 30 minutes afterwards.

I found my ear buds for my ipod.  I guess really I ran out of excuses not to try to run again.

My dog has been walking with me, he likes to be on the walks and he is grounded for life for running off to the neighbors and staying gone for 6 hours whereby causing me some serious worry.  He is a little guy and there are many, many monsters in the woods these days.  He is just the right size for coyote food and eagle food and probably hawk food.  So now he walks with me for his exercise rather than run the neighborhood.  Like I said, he likes the walks but he misses getting to be loose and on his own.

When I started actually running he gave me that sideways look he gives me when he just knows for sure I don’t know what the hell I am doing….I get that look a lot.

We walked the first 3/4 of a mile, listening to music and watching for monsters.  Then I stopped and turned around and started actually running.  Now I didn’t run the entire way home…no, just running off and on for the return trip.  But I ran…I didn’t jog, I didn’t walk fast…I ran.  The weather is just summer hot….temp around 95 (89 in the shade) and the humidity hovers around 99%.  Sweat is pouring from every pore on my body and I feel good.  When I did run (35 years ago), I ran in the heat of the Texas summer…East Texas, so the weather was about the same and I have to admit, I smiled as I chugged along today with that memory fresh in my head.

My guess is that tomorrow I will not be able to repeat todays’ performance.  If memory serves me right… I will spend the day whining about how much my shins hurt.

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getting in shape, Life, Me, Uncategorized

The Battle Continues

OK…so now it has been two weeks since I started planning to run again.  I can honestly say that my planning is going quite well.  I have not, however, bothered to hit the road yet.  I did find my running shoes.  I was examining them to ensure that they were fit to carry me again and discovered that a flying squirrel had decided at some point that they made perfect storage units for stolen dog food.

I have also continued to work on quitting smoking.  I have not quit yet but I am beginning to not like smoking.  I think that is a great step that needed to be taken.  At least this time around planning to quit does not involve hiding cigarettes for later (for emergencies).  Another positive step.

I have been looking into a couple of apps for my phone to help me motivate and decided that it was much more trouble than I was willing to tackle, not that downloading apps is an issue but relying on them for each run just seems to be a lot of trouble.  I started reading a book about running and bought myself an ipod-holder-thingy so that I can take my tunes with me.  My next goal is to find my ear buds so I can listen to those tunes.  Could I buy a new set?  Yes, but I know I have some around her somewhere and I might possibly lose my procrastination license if I do not spend at least a week looking around the house for them.

Our oldest child came down with his family to spend some time during Father’s Day weekend.  He has managed to run the mini in Indianapolis for the last two years.  I took some time to talk with him about motivation and running routines.  He is younger than I but only by 13 years (yeah, I married an old guy the second time around) so I still have this image of myself being able to run.  He agrees and I feel much encouraged by his confidence in me.

I am dealing with some guilt and I am dealing with some fear.  Knowing that I can run and that I should run keep the gears turning in my head.  Managing my schedule to open some time is the obstacle I face today.

“You have time to sit and write….what’s the hold up?”  Good question, I wish I could say that I had a good answer.  I will use work as an excuse for now and keep on working on getting my feet on the pavement again.

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Me

Waking a Grizzley Bear (A Sunday Rant)

I had a very interesting weekend. There were grandchildren, children, old friends, new friends and one new acquaintance, that was the interesting part. I expected the family to visit. It was Father’s Day weekend and it has become a nice tradition for our oldest to take his family to Holiday World and the waterpark on the Friday before Father’s Day then stop by our house on their way home to visit. They spend the night some years camping out in the back yard and some nights camping out on the living room floor, depending on how healthy everyone is when they visit.

I expected the friends…old, new, lost and found.  Our house has become the social hub of the extended family so we have people over almost every weekend.  Now as we get into the “Sundance” season we are hosting more and more ceremony as we all get ready to begin our new year.  This weekend there was a new acquaintance that one of our friends brought over to meet everyone.  She seemed almost normal, at first…

You have to understand a little something about my life to understand some of the insanity I am exposed to on a regular basis.  I am a Native American woman.  I was born the person I am.  I never wondered why I was born this person, I only accepted that this is who I am.  I began my life in a very traditional way.  My mother was probably too young to be starting a family but she did.  She was raised by her grandmother.  Five generations back from me there were no English names recorded for anyone in my family….all names were Potawatomi names.  My mother later decided that she would not stay on the rez (reservation) but that she would move her family to a place where they would all have more opportunity in all aspects of life…school, education, work.  I grew up after the age of 9 away from the People.  I was thrust into a world that I had very little knowledge of and like any foreigner in a new land, had to find my way.  All these years later, I am living a traditional live (Native style), following a traditional Native religion…this was my choice, this was what felt as the natural and balanced and right way to live.  This is our way of life.  We don’t question why we do what we do we just do it.

What we do question is…why do people who are not Native find it necessary to insert themselves into our way of life?  We don’t question it like those people should not come and find out what we are doing.  We don’t question why their own religions cannot feed them the things their spirits need.  We just want to know why you are here?  Why this house?  Why this family?  We don’t expect a standard, “only one correct” answer to our questions.  I think we have the right to ask.  This is not a public building, not a church where we go out and invite strangers to come and “find God”.  Those are things you can do…or not.  It’s your life, do what you think you should.

People who find this way of life matches their personalities, fills the emptiness they have in the core of their beings, answers the questions they have been asked about “why are we here?”, ok.  Others, and this is the interesting part started for me…who claim to “have their own way” whether it is a religion or just following a path of their own making then decide come to our home then proceed to tell us that we have to allow them to be here…I have a problem with that.

If I tell you that you can do something you asked to do at my house or tell you that you cannot do something that  you thought you should have been allowed to do at my house you might want to be very careful how you respond to me.  Again, this is my home and you chose to park in my driveway.  If you are not a Native American woman please do not tell me what I believe or what I don’t believe.  If I take the time to explain to you how Native women think (and I can do that as I am a Native American woman) don’t tell me I am wrong, especially if you, yourself, are not a Native American woman.  Please have enough respect for yourself to understand that you are the one who is being drawn to this way of life.

I love meeting new people.  I love sharing my way of life with people who are interested to know.  I try, I really do try to help other women understand about our Native way of life if those women want to know and I don’t have to recruit women to teach, so many come looking for balance.  I am happy to help and I don’t care what color your skin is or what religion you follow.  But don’t look me in the eye and tell me I am wrong…..the road you came in on goes out the same way…take it!

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death, Family, Life

As Night Begins to Fall

Her teeth are sitting in the plastic cup beside her bed. Her one good eye is open but unfocused.   She will respond to a silly nickname spoken in love and it doesn’t have to be the same nickname twice; it is the love in your voice she hears and it is the love she responds to, then she is gone again.

The doctor gives her a good prognosis, providing she can survive the surgery. Her mind is not what it used to be, her body is frail despite a good constitution. We kissed her and loved on her and let the tears fall after they wheeled her out of the room.

He remembers walking home for lunch in grade school. She was never a good cook but she was smart enough to know that her little boy thought it was a grand treat to have biscuits with jelly for lunch….

Prayers are for “what ever the Creator has for her”…nothing more.  Now we wait.

He remembers the weekend he decided to run away…out of state to an outdoor rock concert.  He still laughs when he tells the story about how she made his father drive to Michigan to find him…needle in a haystack.  He went home after the concert…she was so angry but happy to have him home.

The minutes tick by, friends come out to sit with us.  It wasn’t too long ago that we sat in the same waiting room with those same friends for that friends’ mother…I guess turnabout is fair play after all.  There are smiles and jokes all around.

I update all the facebook family while we have time.

Time; this is when it runs at its’ slowest…waiting for news…good or bad.  It was only an hour and a half but I swear it felt like six.  I was thinking that I should have brought a hoodie or something, it is 95 degrees outside and cold in the waiting room.  Why is it always cold in the waiting rooms?

The nurse finally calls her name so that family will know.  A quick glance into her eyes tell us much and for the first time since we sat down our shoulders relax and we look into each others eyes, eyebrows raised to ask “good news?”.    He is a good surgeon they say, so we head to the next room to await our consultation.

She won’t remember anything, not the pain, not the hospital food, not the nurses names or faces, not the gentle hands of the surgeons.  We will, we will remember prayers answered and sighs breathed out and a bracing for the next phase of her life…however long that may be….

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Family, Life

Surprise for the Surpriser

My daughter came to visit this weekend.  It was a big weekend for her.  Her husband decided to surprise her with a visit to our house to celebrate the beginning of their 5th year of marriage.  I thought it was wonderful that he thinks this way.  She and I are very close, even when they lived in Arizona we talked on the phone at least 5 times each week.  She only lives 3 hours away these days but with her job and mine we don’t have a lot of time to make the drive.

Additionally, she is pregnant.  She doesn’t travel far without getting sick so instead of taking her away for a nice weekend he opted to stay close and make her not have to deal with not enjoying a wonderful weekend away because she is running to the bathroom constantly.  Sometimes he really surprises me with his kindness.  Personally I would expect a husband and new father-to-be to think just like that and it might be sad that I am surprised.

Finally, it was the dogs’ (hers) second birthday and they are the typical “we don’t have any kids yet so we treat our dogs like that are our children” kind of people.  So they stopped at the gourmet dog store and bought 5 cupcakes for the dogs to celebrate a birthday…one for each of their dogs, one for my dog and one for each of the neighbors dogs…it was a happy celebration.

The only problem with the whole weekend is that it was a surprise so I was not home most of the weekend.  I am a typical “don’t have anyone at home who needs me so I think I will pack my weekend with things I want to do” kind of Granny.  I didn’t get home until almost 9pm on Friday, they pulled in at 10pm.  We visited for two hours then everyone crashed.  I was up at 6:30am to get ready for a multi-family yard sale I had been planning with my girlfriends for two months.  I was gone from the house by 8am.  The kids had to come see me at the yard sale.  I got home after 7pm and had to leave for another commitment and finally got home at 10pm.  They left today by 11am.  I think next time my son-in-law decides to surprise us with a family visit he should call and make sure that the family is going to be around.  She did come in with two bags of laundry (her machine is broken and the new one isn’t due until next weekend) so I am happy she could keep herself busy while I was gone.  I would have liked to have sent her to the grocery store for me while I was stuck at the yard sale but with her morning sickness she isn’t good for tasks that required plenty of time between bathroom stops.  It is an old habit we developed since she moved out at age 17, when she would visit and I was busy I just handed her my grocery list and she did that laborious task for me while I was otherwise occupied.

My husband was home all weekend, he is not a yard sale kind of guy, so he was able to have a wonderful visit with the kids.  I am very happy about that…they even had a cook-out, sorry I missed it.  He is still getting used to his baby getting ready to have her own baby.

Now it is Sunday, the kids have left.  My dog and I are finally sitting down to rest for a minute and my husband has volunteered to head to the grocery store.  I am surprised….again!

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Family, Life, Me

Bullfrogs and Butterflies don’t have a problem with it…

I was thinking about change today.  I spent some time remembering when I turned 14 and I was anxiously waiting to morph from a child to a young woman.  I remember putting on my wedding dress, morphing from a single woman to a married woman.  I remember laying on the exam table at the doctor listening to my baby’s heartbeat for the first time, morphing yet again.  There have been so many changes.

My mother, God rest her soul, could not wait to announce to the whole world when I put on my first bra.  I was mortified, she was so proud.  Years later I did the same thing to my own daughter, this time I laughed…at her and at myself.  I got it, finally.

In this world where I choose to live, the non-native world, change is feared.  Change is not taught as a good thing.  Women are lamenting the loss of something that was never meant to be static.  Change is supposed to happen.  My mother celebrated my changing, each and every step, and while I was usually horrified at her for doing so I had to become a mother myself to see what she was so happy about.  When change is happening without regard to scheduling or weather or fashion then life is unfolding as it should.

I am changing yet again….no longer a women who has children at home.  The non-native world might say I was an empty-nester, the traditional world just sees this as part of the grand scheme, normal and worth celebrating.  My body continues to change.  It has been a little strange only in the sense that it has been a long time since I have had to experience major physical changes.  But I have to admit, I am excited and happy about what comes next.  I will celebrate this change even though my own mother is no longer here to celebrate with me.  Even that, time for her to return to her true home, was a celebration for me.  It was, after all, what she taught me was supposed to happen.

These are the things that I taught my own daughter and I trust she will pass them down to her own children when the time comes, our traditions being mostly oral.  I am comfortable with the knowledge that my mother did not waste her time or energy celebrating the changes in my life and that I have not wasted my time or energy either as I celebrated my daughter’s changing life.

I am excited about what new adventures await me as my, yet again, changed life unfolds.

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getting in shape, Me, Native American Women

If I Could Just Get Off the Couch

Running around town, running water to do the dishes, running my mouth…so much to do  but not accomplishing the goal that I set for myself two years ago.  I have what I consider a typical Native American woman’s body and according to my doctor puts me in the group of women who are at higher risk for heart problems.  I had wanted to be in good shape by now.  But like so many women I have let life take me by the nap of the neck and shake me up.  I am not in good shape.

My blog is my gift to myself.  My own way of inspiring me.  I like to write, I like to create, I like to see projects come together but somehow the “me” project has yet to get off the ground.

I would like to be able to run a half marathon.  I have no desire to enter a race or get a tee-shirt.  I have no running partner and no fancy diary to keep track of my miles.  I haven’t even quit smoking yet.  I do love a challenge.

This will not be a runner’s diary.  I would be too bored just writing about running or rather writing about trying to run.  Here is a good place to help me stay motivated. I have a new grandbaby on the way.  I sit and listen to my contemporaries complain about not having the energy to keep up with a toddler, I don’t want to be another one of those grannies.  Well, truth be told, I am….but I don’t want to continue to be.  Making blankets and afghans should not wear me out.

Today is my day to start writing, tomorrow is my day to sit in the office for 10 hours or so…somewhere in there is the time to walk a mile or two.  It’s a start.

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