Uncategorized

Really?…He said that?

I was driving down the interstate yesterday when I passed a billboard that read “God said to read the Bible”.  Two thoughts crossed my mind almost simultaneously, one was that it has been quite awhile since I have read the Bible and the other was that having read the Bible, cover to cover, at least three times in my life, but I do not recall EVER reading the line “God said to read the Bible”.  Suddenly I was offended.

I was now about a mile past the billboard and starting to get really angry.  My next question was this, did whoever pay to have this message put up really think that we are all that stupid?  Why would anyone say that?  There are so many beautiful things written in the Bible, so many things that God did say through a man/woman or spirit why dummy it down? 

Perhaps since I am an Aquarius, perhaps because I am a first born child or maybe even because I am a First Nation Woman I have to say that I really get offended when “people” think that I am a sheep, stupid to the point of needing to be lead by the nose, or that I am not capable of questioning what is being said to me.  I tell others all the time, do not take anything I say as gospel, take everything I tell to/through prayer and find out for yourself if I am telling you the truth.

An hour later I was still thinking about that billboard.  Suddenly I realized that the sponsor of that particular sign can be put in the group of “people” that I consider to be charlatans, cheaters of the innocent.  “Here, take this magic pill, you will be skinny in two weeks”…really?  If it was so magic why did I have to buy three bottles, shouldn’t one pill do just fine?  Spiritual charlatans are no different, at least not in my mind.  They say things designed to prey on the weak or make the person who is doing his or her best to be that spiritual person they think they should be feel really guilty, whereby knocking them back a few rungs on the ladder of life.

Maybe God did tell someone to read the Bible, I don’t know for sure.  I do know that He did not say it to me.

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getting in shape, Life, Me, Native American Women

Not very Brave

I had hoped that by this day I would be 1) a non-smoker and 2) could swim a mile without stopping. Here is where I am-can’t claim either. Is that sad?

I was talking to a friend and we were discussing her life and her life choices. She said “I wish I was strong enough, maybe someday I will be that strong”. I told her then that she was strong enough, she proved that everyday. She was a divorced mother of two, raising her babies without any help at all from her ex. That she had strength and she exhibited plenty of it, everyday. I said “what you need is to be brave”…brave enough to tell him (her ex) NO when she needed to. Like when he showed up on her doorstep unannounced and started telling her how everything was going to be. She was very happy with me for telling her she was strong and decided that being brave was something she could definitely work on.

This is, I have decided, where I am as well. The first of the year came around and for a week prior I was thinking about how I was not going to buy cigs anymore. Then the actual 1st came up and I did not stop smoking. I know that this is so bad for me. I know that if I could expand my lungs a bit further I could accomplish a bit more, physically. I have the strength required for the commitment, I lack the bravery required to actually stop. What will I do when I think I need to smoke? What will I do with my hands? How much more will I eat when I can no longer hold that cigarette between my fingers? These are not hard questions…just a little scary when I get to the nitty-gritty of actually getting things done.

I also had decided that since I ended the year able to swim 1/2 mile without stopping that if I kept at it, by the time my birthday came around (end of January) I should be able to swim an entire mile (70 lengths of the pool) without stopping. I had my schedule all mapped out on the calendar. I would swim every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and keep adding a few laps each week and…ta-da…by the end of the month….goal accomplished. But work has been constant and I am far enough behind that it is just too easy to use it as an excuse to not leave my house to head to the pool. Then I actually made it to the pool one day this week, mistimed “open lap” by 30 minutes and did not bring any regular workout clothing with me. I decided just to take a shower, head upstairs and hang upside down on the inversion table for a few minutes. I totally counted it as a full workout seeing how I took my gym bag to the gym and changed clothes during that time. Needless to say, I have not increased the number of laps I can swim.

I have to admit, I am disappointed in myself. I have managed to almost get caught up with my paperwork for my job but not to get my personal goals one step closer to ideal. I will be 52 at the end of January. I thought about this stuff all day today. It is almost midnight (EST) and I am just finishing up my work for the day. At some point I will have to be brave enough to make me my number one priority.

This is something that I can actually work on….

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Contemplation, Life, Native American Women

Mirror, mirror…

I found out that a young man I know will spend the next 45 years of his life in prison. I am troubled. My exact words to another friend was “I hate seeing our young men suffer so much”.

I understand the penalty for the crime. I understand why a crime like this was committed. I understand why supporters of this young man are so very upset. These are not my problem, these things I understand.

I have said to more than one person, do not take anything I tell you as gospel. Take everything I tell you to prayer. Ask God, ask Him is I am right. Ask Him if I am telling you the truth. I say this to people because most people have become so very lazy, so much like sheep….just following along with what everyone else is doing without thinking for themselves. I find this to be troubling, to say the least.

My problem is trying to understand why our young men choose to suffer so much when it is needless. There are choices to be made and all choices you make bear consequences you must pay. Some choices are easy and some choices are right. Unfortunately the easy choice is not always the right choice. Often times the right choice is most difficult and that’s where the thinking ends, no further exploration of consequences. The end result? Rarely is it the happy ending you were hoping for.

My next question was “what can we do to help?”. My friend said, “I wish prayer was the answer”. I liked that answer, he was honest. Prayer obviously is not “the answer”. if it were then all of our friends and family would be happy and healthy and rich and full of life. There is a missing key, I think.

Yes, you know what I am going to say….making the right choice. That part is on you. I know that if I want my life to be happy, if I want to be healthy then I must make those choices that end in those consequences. If I want a different end then those things I mentioned then all I have to do is make different choices. So simple. Please notice that I did not say ‘so easy’….because it is not.

I told my friend that there was one thing we could do immediately and consistently and that is to be an example of not suffering so looks like. Be an example to others of what making good choices looks like. Be the mirror for someone who is looking for that one person who is not paying consequences of bad decisions.

The good thing about being a willing example is that it does not mean you are perfect or that you think you are perfect. It simply means that you are ok with others looking closely at your life (today, not your past life) and seeing that you are making choices that bear consequences you are proud to bear.

I cannot make choices for you, as much as you would like for that to happen. I cannot bear consequences caused by your bad choices, those are yours to own. But I will be an example that you can look at when you wonder what happens if you make the right choice over the easy choice. I will continue to pray for you so that as you make your choices you know that you are not alone when facing those hard choices.

I know that I am not perfect and I am just fine with that assessment of me but I do like what I see when I look into my mirror.

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Life, Me, Native American Women

That Little Girl Within

Yeah, you can hang that excuse up right now. We know you too well to allow you to continue to try to use that line on us…”that little girl in me…”. Just let it go. I know that there was a time when you did not know that you were operating from some serious hurt that you carried from your childhood to today but we all know that it was more than a few years ago you saw what you were doing to yourself. More than a few years ago that you realized that the big hurt was causing you to make decisions a grown woman would not make. Instead, you were making your choices based on what that little hurt girl wanted.

Today you are making bad choices and every time we sit and talk and you start feeling like we are calling you out you run to that same excuse “the little girl in me says…”. It’s old. Let it go. The next time we have to have the same conversation (again) I might just knock you over the head with a wiffle ball bat. At the very least I will call you out and then I will make you stand. That’s right, stand, not as a little girl but as the woman you have become. She may not be the strongest person to be trying to have that same conversation with and you may not like having to stand on your own. Time to once again look into the mirror….oh I know, you hate that mirror. You hate to look and see what we all see because when you are sitting with that counsel of women who know, you cannot look into the mirror without seeing the truth of who you are.

Today begins the new year. A time, I realize, when we all sit and reflect and then think that we are going to do better, be better than we were last year. But we all also know the statistics of New Year’s day resolutions. I say, let’s just start the new year with a renewed commitment to be the women we are and then let’s move to the place where we are strongest as the year progresses.

I am filling my life with women who are strong. I am filling my life with women who understand that old hurts helped to shape us but do not define us. I am filling my life with women who I want to emulate. I would like to include you in that circle but I leave the choice up to you.

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Life

Is this my fight?

I have to admit, this is not a fight that I have been willing to jump into. They say “you have to pick your battles” and suppose that this can be true sometimes. There are some fights that I feel are worth getting into and some that I do not see that way. Of course, “they” say a lot of things and sometimes it is not wise to listen to any of “them”….

When Indianapolis finally got a minor league team to locate in the city I was truly excited. I love baseball. I played women’s slow pitch softball for 20 years. It is a game that I understand very well. The finesse of each position, the skill, the power…all of these, I get. Then came the task of giving the team a name. Like many cities do these days they opened it up in contest form to pick a name that best represented the city and the pride that would become the focal point of all the money everyone planned on being able to make off having another sports team come into the city. I wasn’t involved in any of that. I just remember when it all happened because of the media that was reporting on the progress. The day finally arrived when they announced the name of “our” new team.

I cannot tell you how deflated I was to learn that in this day and age and political correctness that the city of Indianapolis decided that the Indianapolis Indians was the perfect name for a minor league baseball team. Needless to say, I have yet to enter the ballpark. I do not attend solely on principle.

I would rather drive to another state (Kentucky) and watch that minor league team play. I don’t know for sure but the bats in Kentucky may be offended…I however, am not. This is a team I can support.

Now comes all the media hype about what Native people think about these major league and national league teams that have Native mascots and logos. Most recent, the debate of whether or not the name Redskins is offensive. Like I said in the beginning, this isn’t a fight that I have been willing to jump into. I cannot say that I think it is just fine, what team owners or cities want to name their teams, but I have to say that I do agree that using Native names is VERY offensive to me. While some teams try to keep the dignity that the name may portray in the front, at some point these names, no matter how majestic, do eventually become cartoons.

Can I laugh at myself in a cartoon, of course I can. But I am a grown person. I know who I am. I know who my People are. I know where I come from and I know where I am going. I am a Native American woman, are you?

I have yet to be asked by anyone, let alone someone who claims to have a say in keeping the name of a professional sports team in place, if I find any of the names they chose offensive.

I have to ask myself, who is being hurt most by letting someone call themselves “redskins”? Go ahead, call me a redskin to my face and see what happens. Do you have to know the origin of that particular phrase to understand how much or why it is offensive? Just like black people did not start calling themselves “niggers”, Native people did not start calling themselves “redskins”…skinning a body and noticing that the skins dries with a red tint is not something that any Native would have thought would make a great insult to another Native person. Do you teach your children what that means? I did.

When my child was very small I explained these things to her. As she grew she was not scarred by the name of a football team. She is not scarred by the name of a minor league baseball team. Is she offended? I supposed you will have to ask her to find if that particular Native woman is offended, just like you would have to ask me to find out what I think. As this subject has not been key conversation in any dinner setting with my family I cannot say that I can tell you if my family is offended. What I do know about my family, close and extended, is that some of us are serious sports fans. We enjoy sports from peewee league to pro…we play, we cheer, we coach, we support.

I will tell you, not that you asked, but yes, I am offended. Will I continue to watch NFL football, yes, I will. I love football, not like I love baseball, but I do love football. Will I ever be a Redskins fan, no I will not. I am offended by the name.

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Life

Observing Men

I was thinking about this today…whether you were called to be a medicine man or you just want to be a medicine man really doesn’t matter to me. Of the two, neither is more important than the other. Of the two, one is more difficult to do than the other. I know men who have and or are doing one or the other and so I know this to be true.

Let’s say that I want to be a doctor. I understand from the time I decided to become a doctor that my school work matters so that I can be accepted to the best college. I know that the college work I do matters for the residency that I am looking for to come to fruition. I work my butt off for many years because I have a goal. I am driven in every area of my life based on the choice that I have made. It is the same for a man who wants to be a medicine man. The desire to be that means something. I have never known God to turn down a willing spirit, a willing servant. I think that any man who want to serve the People in this way will be a good medicine man.

If you have a calling to be that, a calling to be a preacher, a calling to be anything else that’s all it is…a calling. You still have to make the choice. This is the downfall of many men who have had strong callings to service. They feel the call in their spirits but they spend a lot of time and energy running from that call. They would rather drink or do drugs or run around doing anything but answering that call. The times that they do follow and act on the call bring amazing results to the people who they are called to help but instead of answering the call, they spend most of their time running from the call. A man can waste most of his life running from his calling. If and when he does answer then truly amazing things can happen.

You would think that having the calling would be the easy road but obviously making a choice of the path you want to follow is easier. This is not to say that men who have a calling and answer that call are not successful. Those are blessed men who work hard at passing on God’s blessing to others.

I see both…men who are called and men who just want to serve. Both do wonderful works. Each path is different and neither is better than the other. Somedays these are the things I think about…

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death, Family, Life, Me

Been a Slow Day

Yeah, I’m lying. My days are never slow. It just seemed that when it comes to writing I have been procrastinating and since I don’t admit to being a procrastinator I decided to say it has been slow.

I had been thinking that we had to take time out of regular life to bury my mother-in-law. She lost her fight with Alzheimer’s. But I realized that I was thinking wrong…taking the time to bury a loved one is part of regular life. It is no different than when a new life comes into the family.

We moved her into our home a year ago, when it became just way too expensive to have her continue to live in an assisted living home. My husband quit his job to stay home and take care of her.

Our lives are busy, have been busy for many years now. Our children are all grown and gone which left us plenty of time to do other things. The busyness did not slow down once she moved in. We had to rearrange who did what when but we continued to stay busy.

Several friends offered to help us during these months so that we did not just unplug from life. They would come over and sit with us and they would send us out to dinner while they sat with her to make sure that she stayed safe. Our friends were and continue to be wonderful blessings in our lives.

Then the fateful day was approaching and we had hospice come in to help us out with those final details. We called all of those friends who had spent so much time with us. We wanted to make sure that they had to opportunity to say goodbye. They had taken the time to become her family and they deserved the chance to be there in the end…if they so desired.

She passed and we started the process of fulfilling her last wishes. One of the friends come over one morning for coffee and she sat in tears thanking me for allowing her to be part of the entire process. She had been sheltered her entire life from death and she did not know what it felt like to say goodbye to a loved one in such a beautiful way. She and her (then) fiancé came into the process with us. They are married now and begin their lives as a family with this beautiful experience. I am happy to have had the opportunity to share.

I am constantly amazed at the people that I know who claim to be spiritual in their everyday life and when something like this happens they fall apart, not only falling apart but getting angry at God for the loss. I don’t get it. How do you profess to believe in such things as an afterlife and then get angry at God when a loved one gets to go home?

My children, my husband, my brother-in-law, myself…all sad to be sure…but also all very happy that Mom-Grandma was no longer suffering, no longer not knowing who her family is, no longer being alone. She is surrounded now by complete, total, eternal love. I cannot be anything but happy about that…happy for her. We will miss her, we already miss her. We both walk into the bedroom looking for her, still….

We had the traditional burial, her wishes fulfilled. We notified all the family we could of her passing. Now we prepare for her Memorial. This one is for those beautiful friends who gave their hearts to her, claimed her as their own Grandmother for a short time. We will share those stories that we dared not share at the funeral home (she cussed a lot) and we will eat…holy smokes she loved to eat and we will do so in her honor!

And now I have taken the time to sit and write this final chapter in our adventures with her. Now I can stop procrastinating about writing and just get on with my life. I did so without tears (progress).

Who knows? There may be more to write about later, depends on what stories are shared this weekend.

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Uncategorized

She Struggles to the Other Side

Her breathing has become shallow and each breath is labored.  We watch and pray and cry.  For several years we have watched the decline and we have worried about this day and now it is here.  Every hour finds one of us walking into the bedroom and silently watching over her.

Yesterday several of her friends came over to say their good-byes.  She is unaware on so many levels and (we are all hoping) so aware on the most important level of all.  We all hope that our love is able to penetrate the fog that has enveloped her consciousness.  There are tears to be shared all around and then hugs and just all the love that develops when a group of people have decided to call each other ‘family’.

We know that it has been over a year now that she forgot the boys, her deepest memories…all gone now.  It has been even longer than that since she could remember who I was but then, I am the newbie, I have only been in the family for 22 years.  I am OK with that, it has given me the distance to be able to help him watch his mother decline without being an emotional mess myself.

The grandkids all know and they are making visits as they can.  The great-grandkids never had much chance to get to know her like everyone else did.  By the time most of them were born she was already a stranger.  That part makes me sad for the kids.  They will only have our memories to go by now.  Pictures will be important to some and not so important to others.

We, my husband and I, have been crying each day for two weeks now.  We are not done crying yet.  Once we are done with our own tears there will be tears for the rest of the family and the friends who have meant so much to us (and her) in the last year who will all grieve like she was their grandmother too.  We will hug them and smile with them and carry a big box of tissue to help wipe away the tears.

I write today to take the place of some of the tears.  I face my own fears and shortcomings as a daughter-in-law now at the end of her life.  I sit and reflect on our years together and I laugh out loud at some of the arguments and jokes we shared.  I let the tears roll gently down my cheeks as I come to terms with her end here and her new beginning “over there”. 

Our buddy came in last night with his family to sing her some songs to help ease her spirit and to let her know that we are all OK and that she could leave anytime she was ready…not that we are rushing her…everyone just hates to see her hurting.  I stood there crying, listening to the soft beat of the drum and the soothing sound of his voice.  I know that she heard him too.

My husband asked me months ago if the Alzheimer’s  would kill her.  I told him ‘No. her body would give out long before the disease had time to run it’s course’.  That is what we see now…her little body getting tired of fighting.  That is the part we cannot help her with.  All our coaxing and all our prayers cannot give her more strength if she is too tired to fight anymore.  All we can do now is watch her go peacefully with our love to ferry her on.

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Life, Me

My intent is…

Intent. What is my intent? What is your intent? As it turns out, these became very important questions last week. There were about four of us sitting around the outdoor living room I had set up in the wilderness. The boys were all over at the fire enjoying the things boys enjoy when they sit around a campfire laughing their heads off….

I don’t really remember how the conversation got started but somehow we ended up talking about intent. This is one of my favorite subjects. I find that living my life with intent is so much easier then just letting things happen any ol’ way they want. Whether I have a plan or decide to just wing it for the day my intent is what counts.

I put my intent into everything that I do. If I am supervising difficult employees it is my intent to create cooperation. If I am dealing with a behavioral client it is my intent to create peace. Those are simple enough, I am cooperative, I am peaceful, those ways of “being” bring my intent into reality. Somehow this makes my job so much easier. But that is only one aspect of my life. There are other areas that my intent helps me manage what is going on around me. My nephew and I were talking to my husband one evening and we were trying to explain how powerful intent is. How someone can hurt another purposefully if they are aware of their own intent and how they can hurt another if they are unaware of how powerful intent can be. Some people would call this “witchcraft” or “voodoo”, using intent for good or bad but we are all capable of changing the world, our own worlds, with the simple act of intent. You don’t have to study any other ideology or religion to become an expert in using intent.

So this is how our conversation went:

Let me pick up this pretty little stone…let me think about what a really handsome guy you are (even though you are not my guy), let me think about what a wonderfully good time you and I can have…let me think about all of this while I am holding this pretty little stone…now let me gift you with this little stone. Wonder how long it will be before you start thinking about me? Let me pick up this cool stick, let me draw hearts all over it and color those hearts with this red crayon, let me wrap a few strands of my hair around this cool stick and carve some simple little swirls to make it look cool…now let me gift this stick to you. Wonder how long before you start thinking of me? Matter of fact, wonder how long before every time you see a silly little swirls or red heart you automatically remember that silly stick and start thinking of me? Let me cook a meal for you…now let me get really angry at someone else while I am cooking and just continue to cook your lovely meal while I am angrily stirring the pot and making the dessert. Wonder how long it will be before you come down with a wicked case of indigestion?

The girls were amazed, they had never thought of intent in such a negative way. I then explained that intent can go both ways. All intent can be positive as well. You do not have to create a negative situation with intent. The important point of the whole conversation was to remind my friends that intent matters. It always matters. There is really no time that we are not intending something. We are children of God, does that not make us Creators as well? If God said “Let there be light” and there was light how am I any different? If I am his child am I not as capable? Oh true enough, I may not be as experienced with my intent as God is with his…as I have not created light just by speaking it into existence…but I am working on it, I am. I am working to use my intent to better my life and my world. I like peace, I like balance, I like joy…these are things that I intend to create…I’ve been practicing!

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Life, Me, Sundance

Just a Little Lost

Out of sorts, that’s what I am, out of sorts. The last two weeks I have been going non-stop and still haven’t taken a moment for myself. I know that this is the normal way of life for most people, especially if you are a parent or spouse but today I stopped, just for a minute and remembered…I remembered that I am. I let myself get all shuffled into the craziness of minute workaday details and forgot to smile, forgot to laugh, forgot to write (not really…it has weighed heavy on my mind all week but I didn’t slow down to write).

There have been so many things going through my mind, things I need to comment on and think about and poke fun at but I didn’t. So I logged off my email on purpose (just for a minute) to sit down here and see if there way anything that I just needed to say………..

The New Year is here….there are several different beginnings of a year for so many people and mine is about to start again and I am excited and happy and tired already. I have cleaned and repaired my camping equipment, washed everything I could stuff into the washing machine, painted prayer sticks and cut material for prayer flags, stripped herbs for making teas and restocked the conventional first-aid kit (you know someone will need a bandage during ten days of primative camping). I have written list after list after list of things I need and things he should not forget. I have inventoried totes and positioned them for transport.

I realized today that I have been using some of my camping totes for over 10 years (not a bad run).

There are more prayers to be made, more groceries to be bought, more cleaning and packing to be done but it is the New Year and these things cannot be put off.

I sweat lugging totes out of garage and then back into the garage, I sweat while going through each tote to ensure of its contents, I sweat because the heat index is pushing 100 degrees and then I remembered to smile.

The sweating and the sun go together at the beginning of my New Year! The celebration that begins on the first day of purification comes not without tears and sacrifice and by the end of the forth day of the dance knowledge and enormity of what has just been accomplished will be celebrated at well.

And after sitting her for a minute to remember to write this down I realize that I am not so lost afterall.

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