Category Archives: Me

Contemplation, Life, Me, Native American Women

Skeins of Life

I wish that crocheting really was relaxing. I sit down with a skein of yarn and I dream of big things…pretty things…useful things. Truth be told, I know one stitch. The “granny square”. It’s a cool stitch to be sure but there are times when I would like to crochet a different pattern.

Rather than lament about my inability I will be glad that I can work that granny square into some pretty awesome afghans given all the modern colors they can do yarn in these days.

I listen to other women talk about how relaxing it is to sit and crochet. It is not so for me. I don’t know why but I attack the yarn, crochet hook in hand, with that same attitude I attack most projects I get involved in….keep going until it is done. My shoulders are a bunched mess of muscle, my fingers ache from holding the crochet hook in one hand that the yarn in the other. My eyes burn from keeping careful watch on the number of stitches I am whipping up as I go.

I took up some old broken tile that needs to be replaced to day, I walked two miles, I cooked three meals, I folded some canvas tarps that needed to be folded (those suckers are heavy) and I did dishes that equaled the cooking I did. After all of these chores were done I could finally sit down and had a chance to relax….but nooOOOooo.

Why do I crochet then? Good question. I like the yarn. I feel the challenge calling after I have taken a skein and rolled it into a ball. Giant-ass ball of yarn staring at me, daring me to make it into something.

I think all of my kids have afghans now, probably most of my grandkids and both of my dogs. I don’t know who needs this afghan but it will be here when the new owner walks into my house. I will feel good when it is done. I will know that I met the challenge thrown out to me. I will have used my talents to the best of my ability…limited as they are. It’s a granny thing, I hear……the making of afghans.

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getting in shape, Life, Me, Native American Women

Not very Brave

I had hoped that by this day I would be 1) a non-smoker and 2) could swim a mile without stopping. Here is where I am-can’t claim either. Is that sad?

I was talking to a friend and we were discussing her life and her life choices. She said “I wish I was strong enough, maybe someday I will be that strong”. I told her then that she was strong enough, she proved that everyday. She was a divorced mother of two, raising her babies without any help at all from her ex. That she had strength and she exhibited plenty of it, everyday. I said “what you need is to be brave”…brave enough to tell him (her ex) NO when she needed to. Like when he showed up on her doorstep unannounced and started telling her how everything was going to be. She was very happy with me for telling her she was strong and decided that being brave was something she could definitely work on.

This is, I have decided, where I am as well. The first of the year came around and for a week prior I was thinking about how I was not going to buy cigs anymore. Then the actual 1st came up and I did not stop smoking. I know that this is so bad for me. I know that if I could expand my lungs a bit further I could accomplish a bit more, physically. I have the strength required for the commitment, I lack the bravery required to actually stop. What will I do when I think I need to smoke? What will I do with my hands? How much more will I eat when I can no longer hold that cigarette between my fingers? These are not hard questions…just a little scary when I get to the nitty-gritty of actually getting things done.

I also had decided that since I ended the year able to swim 1/2 mile without stopping that if I kept at it, by the time my birthday came around (end of January) I should be able to swim an entire mile (70 lengths of the pool) without stopping. I had my schedule all mapped out on the calendar. I would swim every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and keep adding a few laps each week and…ta-da…by the end of the month….goal accomplished. But work has been constant and I am far enough behind that it is just too easy to use it as an excuse to not leave my house to head to the pool. Then I actually made it to the pool one day this week, mistimed “open lap” by 30 minutes and did not bring any regular workout clothing with me. I decided just to take a shower, head upstairs and hang upside down on the inversion table for a few minutes. I totally counted it as a full workout seeing how I took my gym bag to the gym and changed clothes during that time. Needless to say, I have not increased the number of laps I can swim.

I have to admit, I am disappointed in myself. I have managed to almost get caught up with my paperwork for my job but not to get my personal goals one step closer to ideal. I will be 52 at the end of January. I thought about this stuff all day today. It is almost midnight (EST) and I am just finishing up my work for the day. At some point I will have to be brave enough to make me my number one priority.

This is something that I can actually work on….

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Life, Me, Native American Women

That Little Girl Within

Yeah, you can hang that excuse up right now. We know you too well to allow you to continue to try to use that line on us…”that little girl in me…”. Just let it go. I know that there was a time when you did not know that you were operating from some serious hurt that you carried from your childhood to today but we all know that it was more than a few years ago you saw what you were doing to yourself. More than a few years ago that you realized that the big hurt was causing you to make decisions a grown woman would not make. Instead, you were making your choices based on what that little hurt girl wanted.

Today you are making bad choices and every time we sit and talk and you start feeling like we are calling you out you run to that same excuse “the little girl in me says…”. It’s old. Let it go. The next time we have to have the same conversation (again) I might just knock you over the head with a wiffle ball bat. At the very least I will call you out and then I will make you stand. That’s right, stand, not as a little girl but as the woman you have become. She may not be the strongest person to be trying to have that same conversation with and you may not like having to stand on your own. Time to once again look into the mirror….oh I know, you hate that mirror. You hate to look and see what we all see because when you are sitting with that counsel of women who know, you cannot look into the mirror without seeing the truth of who you are.

Today begins the new year. A time, I realize, when we all sit and reflect and then think that we are going to do better, be better than we were last year. But we all also know the statistics of New Year’s day resolutions. I say, let’s just start the new year with a renewed commitment to be the women we are and then let’s move to the place where we are strongest as the year progresses.

I am filling my life with women who are strong. I am filling my life with women who understand that old hurts helped to shape us but do not define us. I am filling my life with women who I want to emulate. I would like to include you in that circle but I leave the choice up to you.

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death, Family, Life, Me

Been a Slow Day

Yeah, I’m lying. My days are never slow. It just seemed that when it comes to writing I have been procrastinating and since I don’t admit to being a procrastinator I decided to say it has been slow.

I had been thinking that we had to take time out of regular life to bury my mother-in-law. She lost her fight with Alzheimer’s. But I realized that I was thinking wrong…taking the time to bury a loved one is part of regular life. It is no different than when a new life comes into the family.

We moved her into our home a year ago, when it became just way too expensive to have her continue to live in an assisted living home. My husband quit his job to stay home and take care of her.

Our lives are busy, have been busy for many years now. Our children are all grown and gone which left us plenty of time to do other things. The busyness did not slow down once she moved in. We had to rearrange who did what when but we continued to stay busy.

Several friends offered to help us during these months so that we did not just unplug from life. They would come over and sit with us and they would send us out to dinner while they sat with her to make sure that she stayed safe. Our friends were and continue to be wonderful blessings in our lives.

Then the fateful day was approaching and we had hospice come in to help us out with those final details. We called all of those friends who had spent so much time with us. We wanted to make sure that they had to opportunity to say goodbye. They had taken the time to become her family and they deserved the chance to be there in the end…if they so desired.

She passed and we started the process of fulfilling her last wishes. One of the friends come over one morning for coffee and she sat in tears thanking me for allowing her to be part of the entire process. She had been sheltered her entire life from death and she did not know what it felt like to say goodbye to a loved one in such a beautiful way. She and her (then) fiancé came into the process with us. They are married now and begin their lives as a family with this beautiful experience. I am happy to have had the opportunity to share.

I am constantly amazed at the people that I know who claim to be spiritual in their everyday life and when something like this happens they fall apart, not only falling apart but getting angry at God for the loss. I don’t get it. How do you profess to believe in such things as an afterlife and then get angry at God when a loved one gets to go home?

My children, my husband, my brother-in-law, myself…all sad to be sure…but also all very happy that Mom-Grandma was no longer suffering, no longer not knowing who her family is, no longer being alone. She is surrounded now by complete, total, eternal love. I cannot be anything but happy about that…happy for her. We will miss her, we already miss her. We both walk into the bedroom looking for her, still….

We had the traditional burial, her wishes fulfilled. We notified all the family we could of her passing. Now we prepare for her Memorial. This one is for those beautiful friends who gave their hearts to her, claimed her as their own Grandmother for a short time. We will share those stories that we dared not share at the funeral home (she cussed a lot) and we will eat…holy smokes she loved to eat and we will do so in her honor!

And now I have taken the time to sit and write this final chapter in our adventures with her. Now I can stop procrastinating about writing and just get on with my life. I did so without tears (progress).

Who knows? There may be more to write about later, depends on what stories are shared this weekend.

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Life, Me

My intent is…

Intent. What is my intent? What is your intent? As it turns out, these became very important questions last week. There were about four of us sitting around the outdoor living room I had set up in the wilderness. The boys were all over at the fire enjoying the things boys enjoy when they sit around a campfire laughing their heads off….

I don’t really remember how the conversation got started but somehow we ended up talking about intent. This is one of my favorite subjects. I find that living my life with intent is so much easier then just letting things happen any ol’ way they want. Whether I have a plan or decide to just wing it for the day my intent is what counts.

I put my intent into everything that I do. If I am supervising difficult employees it is my intent to create cooperation. If I am dealing with a behavioral client it is my intent to create peace. Those are simple enough, I am cooperative, I am peaceful, those ways of “being” bring my intent into reality. Somehow this makes my job so much easier. But that is only one aspect of my life. There are other areas that my intent helps me manage what is going on around me. My nephew and I were talking to my husband one evening and we were trying to explain how powerful intent is. How someone can hurt another purposefully if they are aware of their own intent and how they can hurt another if they are unaware of how powerful intent can be. Some people would call this “witchcraft” or “voodoo”, using intent for good or bad but we are all capable of changing the world, our own worlds, with the simple act of intent. You don’t have to study any other ideology or religion to become an expert in using intent.

So this is how our conversation went:

Let me pick up this pretty little stone…let me think about what a really handsome guy you are (even though you are not my guy), let me think about what a wonderfully good time you and I can have…let me think about all of this while I am holding this pretty little stone…now let me gift you with this little stone. Wonder how long it will be before you start thinking about me? Let me pick up this cool stick, let me draw hearts all over it and color those hearts with this red crayon, let me wrap a few strands of my hair around this cool stick and carve some simple little swirls to make it look cool…now let me gift this stick to you. Wonder how long before you start thinking of me? Matter of fact, wonder how long before every time you see a silly little swirls or red heart you automatically remember that silly stick and start thinking of me? Let me cook a meal for you…now let me get really angry at someone else while I am cooking and just continue to cook your lovely meal while I am angrily stirring the pot and making the dessert. Wonder how long it will be before you come down with a wicked case of indigestion?

The girls were amazed, they had never thought of intent in such a negative way. I then explained that intent can go both ways. All intent can be positive as well. You do not have to create a negative situation with intent. The important point of the whole conversation was to remind my friends that intent matters. It always matters. There is really no time that we are not intending something. We are children of God, does that not make us Creators as well? If God said “Let there be light” and there was light how am I any different? If I am his child am I not as capable? Oh true enough, I may not be as experienced with my intent as God is with his…as I have not created light just by speaking it into existence…but I am working on it, I am. I am working to use my intent to better my life and my world. I like peace, I like balance, I like joy…these are things that I intend to create…I’ve been practicing!

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Life, Me, Sundance

Just a Little Lost

Out of sorts, that’s what I am, out of sorts. The last two weeks I have been going non-stop and still haven’t taken a moment for myself. I know that this is the normal way of life for most people, especially if you are a parent or spouse but today I stopped, just for a minute and remembered…I remembered that I am. I let myself get all shuffled into the craziness of minute workaday details and forgot to smile, forgot to laugh, forgot to write (not really…it has weighed heavy on my mind all week but I didn’t slow down to write).

There have been so many things going through my mind, things I need to comment on and think about and poke fun at but I didn’t. So I logged off my email on purpose (just for a minute) to sit down here and see if there way anything that I just needed to say………..

The New Year is here….there are several different beginnings of a year for so many people and mine is about to start again and I am excited and happy and tired already. I have cleaned and repaired my camping equipment, washed everything I could stuff into the washing machine, painted prayer sticks and cut material for prayer flags, stripped herbs for making teas and restocked the conventional first-aid kit (you know someone will need a bandage during ten days of primative camping). I have written list after list after list of things I need and things he should not forget. I have inventoried totes and positioned them for transport.

I realized today that I have been using some of my camping totes for over 10 years (not a bad run).

There are more prayers to be made, more groceries to be bought, more cleaning and packing to be done but it is the New Year and these things cannot be put off.

I sweat lugging totes out of garage and then back into the garage, I sweat while going through each tote to ensure of its contents, I sweat because the heat index is pushing 100 degrees and then I remembered to smile.

The sweating and the sun go together at the beginning of my New Year! The celebration that begins on the first day of purification comes not without tears and sacrifice and by the end of the forth day of the dance knowledge and enormity of what has just been accomplished will be celebrated at well.

And after sitting her for a minute to remember to write this down I realize that I am not so lost afterall.

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Family, Life, Me

Surviving America

Ok, so I survived another holiday weekend. Oh I know that technically the holiday happened during the week but it was close enough that many people tacked on the weekend as well. There were numerous office populated with the dreaded skeleton crew. Some of us who ended up working while others were off playing. Yes, I was one of those who worked on Friday…but it was nice so I did not mind. On the plus side there were not nearly as many emails as I normally would have to read during the weekend.

I accidently started a family tradition years ago and now the 4th of July is my daughters very favorite holiday. I always found this highly unlikely because I do not know ANY kid who picks July over Christmas but I have come to accept over the years that she really does like the 4th of July more than Christmas!

When my baby was young I started taking her to fireworks displays in town, the big ones. We had two big displays in Fort Wayne each year. The first was at the traditional end of the Three Rivers Festival and, of course, the 4th of July show. She named each of the fireworks big booms by the sounds that accompanied the flashes. I was not a fan of the backyard do-it-yourself shows put on by the dads and granddads. Oh not that they were not fun for the kids (and yes, that is supposed to be the target audience) but it was not so much fun for me.

These shows became such a thrill for my daughter that even after her father and I were no longer married she still insisted on going and by then it had become his tradition as well. I liked that for her. Some years we would meet up during the show and some years it was my turn to take her. She was just happy to be out and looking up into the night sky those hot summer nights.

Over the years I have found myself sitting on some grassy knoll waiting for the sun to set and the show to begin. I have noticed that, over all, the fireworks have not changed so much. Probably safer for the pyro techs and computers have made some of the shows interesting with music blaring along with each big bang but essentially, they are unchanged and I think that this is one of things I like the best.

These days I am heading out to find “my spot” alone. My husband does not find the excitement that I find in a good old firework show. But I am never lonely. I chat with my camped out neighbors and we share snacks and drinks from time to time. I meet new people who have also found what a nice spot we have all discovered. There are always the new people in town who did not realize that our little town offers such a great show.

This year I sat with my girlfriend and her son as well as several other friends. She is an Ojibwa woman. We were quite the sight, two full-blooded Native women sitting in the grass in our camping chairs eating snacks and drinking pop waiting on a celebration we aren’t so sure about but we like the fireworks. We laugh at the irony and we clap at the really cool displays. Her son heads out to scout the crowd and see who is around, not that he knows anyone, he is one of those guys who finds a new friend everywhere he goes. He comes back exited that he found a Di’ne woman sitting on the hill. We are three now. Native women who sit in the crowd celebrating the birth of America, who would have thought?

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getting in shape, Life, Me

Got It!…Muscle Confusion

OK, so now I get it.  I listened to the workout guru try to explain how beneficial muscle confusion is to my body.  I wonder every now and then if it really works.  I wonder also if runners use this technique to help in their own training. 

Last week I started (or restarted) my own training to be a runner (once again).  I started the week walking about 4.5 miles in two days and then incorporated some running-finishing out the week with a total of 9 miles under my belt.  My muscles….totally confused.  At first there was much yelling and screaming and out right refusing to move then by day four all my muscles were beginning to get with the program.  I had even started developing a real “like” of getting out there and walking.  A “like” of how the gravel felt as it crunched under my foot each time I advanced as I ran.  My body was beginning to remember how it felt to move fluidly.

Then Friday came and I didn’t even get home from my busy day until dark.  I do not run in the forest after dark (monsters) so I decided that it was a good day to rest.  I woke up Saturday morning still feeling “OK”.  I don’t know about you but summer weekends for me are action packed and it was Sunday night and I was still not home from busyness. 

My muscles were confused again.

It is now Monday night.  I have sent several reports to the “powers-that-be” and I have eaten my dinner and even had some dessert but it is dark again.  I am starting to feel a little guilty about not running.  I have read from expert runners that this feeling of guilt is quite normal and I actually feel good about that.

Tomorrow I do not have to be on the road so I will start again.  Tomorrow I have so much work to do but I will start again.  Tomorrow my muscles will again be confused about what the hell I am expecting them to do.  I am hoping that this will not become the normal pattern, four days of working out and then four days of not working out.  No matter how confused, I think my muscles will just stay in revolt and this is not my goal.  It is hard enough to think about trying to keep my feet moving for thirteen miles, hard enough to keep that mental picture of me succeeding getting up those killer hills, hard enough to fight those nicotine cravings without fighting my muscles who don’t like being quite so confused each week.

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getting in shape, Me

One small step?

OK, I did it.  I ran.  I didn’t die…I’m happy about that.  It started this morning.  My dog decided not to hear me calling his name so I ran across the backyard barefoot to intercept him before he was so far gone I would have to jump into the van and drive to the neighbors to retrieve him….again.  My legs felt good and I wasn’t too winded.

After a full day of driving and meetings and some paperwork as I let the sun be overtaken by some clouds and it was cool enough to breath before I gave it a go.  I have been walking.  My running route is 4 miles in total but I haven’t even walked that distance yet.  I did make it 3 miles walking one day.  I suppose I am being a bit overconfident but I figure I have to try sometime, huh?

Still working on the quitting smoking part.  I decided to stop smoking about 20 minutes before I leave and wait at least 30 minutes afterwards.

I found my ear buds for my ipod.  I guess really I ran out of excuses not to try to run again.

My dog has been walking with me, he likes to be on the walks and he is grounded for life for running off to the neighbors and staying gone for 6 hours whereby causing me some serious worry.  He is a little guy and there are many, many monsters in the woods these days.  He is just the right size for coyote food and eagle food and probably hawk food.  So now he walks with me for his exercise rather than run the neighborhood.  Like I said, he likes the walks but he misses getting to be loose and on his own.

When I started actually running he gave me that sideways look he gives me when he just knows for sure I don’t know what the hell I am doing….I get that look a lot.

We walked the first 3/4 of a mile, listening to music and watching for monsters.  Then I stopped and turned around and started actually running.  Now I didn’t run the entire way home…no, just running off and on for the return trip.  But I ran…I didn’t jog, I didn’t walk fast…I ran.  The weather is just summer hot….temp around 95 (89 in the shade) and the humidity hovers around 99%.  Sweat is pouring from every pore on my body and I feel good.  When I did run (35 years ago), I ran in the heat of the Texas summer…East Texas, so the weather was about the same and I have to admit, I smiled as I chugged along today with that memory fresh in my head.

My guess is that tomorrow I will not be able to repeat todays’ performance.  If memory serves me right… I will spend the day whining about how much my shins hurt.

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getting in shape, Life, Me, Uncategorized

The Battle Continues

OK…so now it has been two weeks since I started planning to run again.  I can honestly say that my planning is going quite well.  I have not, however, bothered to hit the road yet.  I did find my running shoes.  I was examining them to ensure that they were fit to carry me again and discovered that a flying squirrel had decided at some point that they made perfect storage units for stolen dog food.

I have also continued to work on quitting smoking.  I have not quit yet but I am beginning to not like smoking.  I think that is a great step that needed to be taken.  At least this time around planning to quit does not involve hiding cigarettes for later (for emergencies).  Another positive step.

I have been looking into a couple of apps for my phone to help me motivate and decided that it was much more trouble than I was willing to tackle, not that downloading apps is an issue but relying on them for each run just seems to be a lot of trouble.  I started reading a book about running and bought myself an ipod-holder-thingy so that I can take my tunes with me.  My next goal is to find my ear buds so I can listen to those tunes.  Could I buy a new set?  Yes, but I know I have some around her somewhere and I might possibly lose my procrastination license if I do not spend at least a week looking around the house for them.

Our oldest child came down with his family to spend some time during Father’s Day weekend.  He has managed to run the mini in Indianapolis for the last two years.  I took some time to talk with him about motivation and running routines.  He is younger than I but only by 13 years (yeah, I married an old guy the second time around) so I still have this image of myself being able to run.  He agrees and I feel much encouraged by his confidence in me.

I am dealing with some guilt and I am dealing with some fear.  Knowing that I can run and that I should run keep the gears turning in my head.  Managing my schedule to open some time is the obstacle I face today.

“You have time to sit and write….what’s the hold up?”  Good question, I wish I could say that I had a good answer.  I will use work as an excuse for now and keep on working on getting my feet on the pavement again.

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