Rough week.  Lots to think about.  Decisions to be made.  I was very happy for the last of the warm weather to be able to sit outside with my coffee and do some praying while I thought…

I am a protector, this I know and understand.  I protect those I love and I protect them well.  But what happens when those I love walk out from under the protection?  I begin to understand a little bit about how the Creator feels when we walk away from his protection.

I was reminded of a story…my childhood was not smooth but honestly, for the most part I remember being happy.  There were seven of us…mostly girls.  I am the oldest of the brood.  When I was 18 and my next two sisters in age were 16 and 15, one of them took me aside and told me that my job was done.  They didn’t need me anymore.  They were grown and they had me to thank for getting them this far but I was no longer needed to protect or guide them.  For real, she said it just like that.  I remember standing there with my mouth hanging open in disbelief.  I remember being hurt, in my heart. 

This hurt lasted several days.  I didn’t know what to think.  I wasn’t sure of what my place was supposed to be anymore.  I know that she did not tell these things to our Mother.  I know I didn’t tell her, either.  These were things that were shared just between the sisters, as some things just are. 

I had been praying, for the past year, to be free, to grow up, to not be responsible any more.  I had been the big sister since I was 18 months old and it had been a tough 18 years.  Those siblings were a lot of work.  Still, once she had said those things to me I just couldn’t be anything but hurt.  It took several days for me to realize that all of my prayers had been answered.  It was a sudden realization. 

Then I started smiling again.  Then I started planning!  Within two years I was gone.  I had started my independence in college but then joined the Air Force and was off to basic training and I never looked back.  MY life had begun. 

Several years later I was home for a visit and the very same sister who had so happily dismissed me made sure to tell me that our whole family had fallen apart and it was all my fault for leaving.  This time I just smiled.  I knew who was responsible for my life and who was responsible for hers (or the “families’ life” as she put it).  I returned to my own life intact.

That story came to mind as I pondered this week.  It is my life again.  There are steps I need to take to make sure that I am healthy in spirit.  My loved ones will stay under my protection or not…I don’t make that choice.  I will remain strong as my protection does not end and my family is worth the effort.

My world changes from time to time with my age and experience.  There are things that need to be done now that I have crossed this line and become the grandmother.  Ceremonies that need to be completed so that the journey can continue.  I am looking forward again as the week ends and I sit here, I realize, happy for my rough start.  It makes me dig deep into my soul and look high to the Creator and to be thankful for everything.